this has taken me forever to write...

I think I'm coming out of it. I think I'm doing much better with this. No, not the cold- still got that. I've been in a freak out and stress mode the last oh maybe week or more about becoming a mother. I know this is normal, but I feel very worried about being able to take care of him. I know Ryan will be great and that we'll be great together, but it's really been a stressful thing for me. I've never had a problem with kids, I've always been quite good with babies. But I really haven't been around one for a while and I'm afraid I've lost my touch, and that when it comes to my own kid how different it will be. I've tried to read books about being a mommy and what to do and what not to do and it seriously stresses me out. I'm so afraid I'm going to be walking around with him crying and think to myself "the book told me to do this or that!" and stress out even more. It's been quite heavy on my mind. I haven't really talked about it because I don't want to seem like I'm not excited or anything. I am, very excited. I've also been really stressed and kind of sad that I have to go back to work. At this point, we don't really have a choice, and luckily there's a daycare in my complex where I work. More than anything though I wish that I could be home with him. It scares me to think of someone else taking care of him, especially when he's so little.
BUT... I'm coming out of it now and I'm getting excited to see him and his little feet and knees and nose and all his cute little baby body parts. And I've also decided that I'd much rather have him out of me than in me. I've still got three months... and it'll get worse... but I hurt and I feel awkward and like they all say- this body is not my own. I'm tired... and I realize that will never change. I have years of being tired to look forward to.
My tummy is finally looking like I'm pregnant. Today though, I went downstairs to our little cafeteria type place and got a bagel, a banana and some juice and this lady that works on my floor was going up the elevator the same time as me and said "you saving room for lunch?". Now, she could have meant that because we were having our company luncheon today she hoped I wasn't eating too much too close to when it started... but still. I was like "oh no, I'm eating for two". Things people say... I think some people still don't realize that I'm pregnant and that my stomach doesn't just stick out further than my boobs for fun. Oh well...
Also, we had a couple tough decisions to make this last couple of weeks too- but we made it through and prayed a lot and exercised our faith. And Ryan has given his two weeks at a job he's been at for almost 7 years and will start working for a steel company with his best friend the day after Christmas. It's steady hours plus overtime and benefits and all. It's a big change, but one that I'm sure he'll welcome because he's sick of his current job. I think this will be a much better fit for our little family and will allow him to make more money and have better opportunities. I'm SO proud of him for making this change, I know it's been a hard decision for him.
We have our 28 week appt on Tues and hopefully I can get some remedy for this cough, because seriously- it sucks. I'm hoping to get some good rest this weekend. I'm not making any commitments until I know I feel rested. Peace out y'all.