So, I've been struggling a little with the topic of this post. I wasn't sure how I wanted to write it or handle it really. In full detail or just some memories, so maybe I'll do a little of both. And well, it's still hard to talk about it so I kind of dread replaying it. Basically, words can't really describe how I feel or what I remember, but I guess this will have to do.

Two weeks ago, March 17th to be exact, I had to run to the post office during my lunch break so I took off. I went to lunch a little later than usual and at a kind of weird time. I had eaten while I was working before I left, kind of made sure that I was done with most of the stuff in my inboxes... I left at 12:50 and even noted that it was a strange time. On the way called Ryan and then as I was arriving and pulling in to a parking spot my mom clicked through on the other line. I hung up with Ryan and answered her call. She told me the most devastating news I've ever heard in my life up to this point, my oldest sister Shauna who had been staying with them, had passed away that morning. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. She asked me to call my other sister Delinda to tell her... news she didn't want to ever have to hear either. The next two hours were the hardest thing ever. I sat in the parking lot of that shopping center sobbing and almost hyperventilating, watching the rain come down, most of the time in complete denial. I prayed and cried and prayed and called my family and Ryan... cried... for 2 hours, until I could get control of myself enough to drive home. Obviously work was okay with this. In fact, they were very kind and offered to come get me and take me home. But I made it. Ryan got home as fast as he could but in the meantime, because even bereavement tickets to fly there were outrageously expensive- we decided to leave for St. George in the car that night...over 2,000 miles away. I got the oil changed, picked Ben up from daycare, we packed and left at 7pm on Wednesday night. The drive was hard, and long and the anticipation was heavy. We even got pulled over once in Texas, but the cop let us go because we told him we were trying to get to UT for my sister's funeral. We were grateful for great rest areas, Ryan's Sesame Street podcasts and the WalMart in Page, AZ that carried us through the next few hours. Over all Ben was really good for us, it was definitely hard on him. But I kept a picture of Shauna and Ben on my phone that helped me stay focused and motivated to get there. We arrived in St. George Friday evening. The funeral was the next day. The reason why I mentioned the first part about my lunch and all that was because there seemed to be a lot of little but important "miracles" during those few days. I felt like I was blessed to have eaten already, because if I hadn't the shock might've been too much to bare on an empty stomach. I feel like the timing of the call from my mom and me already parked was a blessing because I don't think I could've continued to drive. And, most of my work was completed so there wasn't anything pressing I had to leave behind for my coworker who covers for me to do. We felt the warmth of the prayers said on our behalf as we drove that VERY LONG distance in such a short time. Ryan was my ROCK. He kept me calm, he loved me, he let me cry, he took good care of Ben when my mind couldn't handle another thing, he insisted that we ALL go to UT and not just me because he wanted to be with me because he knew I needed him and that my family needed OUR family to be there. He took care of my parents, he helped where he could... he played with the kids and kept them all happy. He lightened the situation up when appropriate and kept me from getting too "down". He was amazing and I love him so much for that. I feel like the level of our relationship was brought to a whole other level during that time. I am so grateful for him.

Saturday morning was the viewing, then the funeral and then the graveside dedication... keep in mind I've only been to ONE other funeral for my grandma. So... this whole death thing is VERY difficult for me still. Seeing her there was... awful, I guess. Not where I'd want to see any of my family. I said my goodbye's to her. Touched her hair, told her "I love you Nah-nah" and cried a lot. We had a neat family moment where we all stood around her casket. Watching them close it I think brought some closure for me, and I think everyone else. I have never seen my brothers and sister and parents cry so much and so hard. But we got to do it together.
The bishop of my parents ward conducted everything. Delinda did the Eulogy for Shauna, and it was just right. My brother Greg was still pretty ill, so couldn't get up with us to speak about Shauna when John, Delinda and I talked about some of our favorite memories of her. Her partner Randi gave us some things to speak about too, some of the favorite things about her. Like when they'd walk home from the store or somewhere, if she found a dead bird she'd take it home and bury it in their yard and give it it's last rights! She loved animals and all living things. Anyway... I don't want to ramble on too much. But the day was beautiful and everything turned out great. The biggest miracle of all was that the funeral was completely paid for by many different donors and other funds that randomly would pop up... we were all so concerned because none of us had the money to pay for a $7,000 funeral. But the Lord provided and everything went according to plan. At the graveside dedication, my dad dedicated the grave and while he and all of the pall bearers stood there, a white horse from the neighboring farm came and stood almost like he was listening to what was going on. We all thought it was a special moment, Shauna loved animals and it just felt right that he was there. I will forever think of Shauna now when I see a white horse.

We enjoyed the time with my family. All the grand-kids were together which was neat. And we got to see parts of the country that were pretty cool AND pretty boring too. We were lucky we even got to go to UT because we were thinking we might not be able to this year. We got to see my BFF Andrea and her boyfriend Ryan, they came down especially to see us and pay their condolences. I just love her to pieces and am so grateful for our friendship. I got to see a few of my cousins who came that I haven't seen in years and probably wouldn't get to see for a while more; Melanie, Jillean and her family, Mark and his family, Lynette, and Uncle Doug & Aunt Karen, and Aunt Mary and Uncle Dave.

There were so many wonderful things that happened while we were there for that short time. But I don't know if I can remember all of them. I do feel like this tragedy has brought us all closer together. It's also made me even more aware of how important family is to me and how often I take my loved ones for granted. I will miss Shauna SO much. There are moments when I forget she's gone... and then I remember and it's hard. I will miss her saying to me "hi my little one". She always called me that. She was a wonderful woman with a big heart. She took such good care of people, especially those who didn't fit in or maybe had special disabilities. She in the last few years took such good care of parents, and I know they will miss her companionship and help so much. They already miss her daily phone calls to check up on them. Yes, Shauna had a lot of problems throughout life... but I will miss my big sister and only hope and imagine she is SO much happier in heaven and is at peace with herself and truly knows now just how much we all love her and miss her.

Some things I wanted to note for journal purposes, Shauna was the first of the Collier cousins to pass away (in adulthood). And also, unfortunately, our cousin Geoffrey Taylor in South Africa passed away the same day as Shauna due to complications of Leukemia. Our hearts and prayers go to our family there, and we only hope that Geoff and Shauna have been able to meet each other in the life hereafter!